The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch

One….two…five.

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Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy…First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt not thou count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then prooceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

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We are but eight score young blonds, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half.

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I’m invincible!

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If you were at a clambake, why are you still hungry…oh.

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Who you calling easy?

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Justifiable homicide.

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Fly-swatter swag.

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Ewwwww.

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There’s a bee in my pocket. Yeah, that’s it.

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It’s like 25 year old gym shorts mixed with sweaty monkey balls, with just a hint of swamp gas.

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Don’t hold back – tell us how you really feel.

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Everyone noticed, Susan – we were just laughing too hard to say anything.

Welcome to Bitch Club

What happens when you give me a bunch of vintage patterns and some photo-captioning software?

Chaos, shenanigans, and a lot of snark.

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There’s only one rule in Bitch Club.

What happens when Kate forget her meds...

What happens when Kate forget her meds…

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One of those ‘sucks to be right’ situations.

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Perhaps a close friend?

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Ouch.

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It’s a valid question.

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Must have been the carnitas.

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Dinner is poured, honey.

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C’mon, Jeanie, three wishes.

 

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Sure, if ‘the heat’ is a new brand of vodka.

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Now stop pulling them out and asking strangers their opinion.

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It was a frat party, what do you want from me?

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You don’t want to be a whore, now do you, Mary?

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Call in the operatives in the white coats.

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Resistance is futile.

 

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Wheeeee!

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It was a good day.

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Sleep it off, girl.

This Is Why I Never Write Anything Anymore

(Want an Inigo mug? Go here or here.

It’s been a while since I wrote anything of substance (the Elf Mafia definitely does not count as “substance”, though they do a lot of those when they get the chance). This mug is the reason why.

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I am one popular sonofabitch.

Which (finally, after much bitching and procrastination) led to the creation of an actual, honest-to-cheezus online store. Where you can, like, see all the different designs and prices and stuff, all in one place. Neat, right? Here, look: mnwnw.com Well, a bunch of you seemed to think so, anyway. Enough that there was another popular mug. image003-2 And another. lying official mug And…you guessed it….another. Official Green Serenity Tumbler And one more, just because all this wasn’t quite crazy enough. inigo travel And then, just to make things super-fun and interesting, the Lying and Bitch mugs (you read that as Lying Bitch, didn’t you? Fun, right? So are the Purchase Orders, trust me) were mistakenly printed on only one side, resulting in a reprint and a fire sale of the perfectly good but single-sided mugs. (There’s still some left if you’re interested – click the links below). Lying Mug link Bitch Mug link So it’s a bit of a Mug-afuckin-palooza up in here right now. Maybe I’ll get the chance to write something non-mug related next year.

A Very Merry Christmas Eve Elf Mafia Wrap-Up

Oh, fuck, look who it is.

Oh, fuck, look who it is.

Welcome to the Very Merry Christmas Eve Elf Mafia Wrap-Up! The little bastards have been busy again this year, so we’ll get right to it!

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No, you may not play “sleeping with the fishes” with the Elf.

 

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I’m betting that’s not confectioner’s sugar.

 

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At least it was the cheap stuff.

 

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That’s not for you. That’s for the real elves shipping mugs downstairs.

 

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They really take their liquor seriously. This is what happens when someone doesn’t share.

 

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The cat is off-limits, guys.

 

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‘I’m your number one fan. There’s nothing to worry about. You’re going to be just fine. I will take good care of you. I’m your number one fan.’ (Misery)

 

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‘And there’s cotton candy and rides, and all sorts of surprises down here. And balloons, too. All colors.’

‘Do they float?’

‘Oh yes. They float, Georgie. They float. And when you’re down here with me, you’ll…float….too!’ (It)

 

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‘Come to me! Come to me, children! See how we all float down here! How we all float!’ (It)

 

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Someone has been watching too much Breaking Bad.  Just be sure to stay clear of Tuco, boys.

 

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That’s not how you make a slushie, you little a-holes.

 

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Someone trying to add cheer to my morning (it worked).

 

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‘Gage? Come on out….I brought you something…..’ (Pet Semetery)

 

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‘Do you wanna hide a body? C’mon, let’s go and play…’

 

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‘No, don’t. No, don’t! NO, DON’T!!!’ (Firestarter)

 

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Um, that gives a new definition to ‘riding the cotton pony’. And, you, dude, are you making it rain with the wrappers? Holy happy clapping Jesus, you are weird.

 

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Charming sentiment for Christmas Eve morning, gentlemen. Now give me the paint pens.

 

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And I thought “feeding someone to the sharks” was just a metaphor.

 

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I knew you had questionable morals, not to mention taste, Ariel. But Snow White? I’m surprised at you. Although, it makes sense once you think about it.

 

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Don’t mess with Rhaegal, I said. It will end badly for you, I said. Do they listen? Of course not.

 

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The most disturbing Love Boat homage in history.

 

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“It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”

 

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“Put the dog in the fucking basket! Precious!!!!!”

 

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They really just don’t like snowmen.

 

Terrible. Just terrible.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Get Your Mug On

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UPDATE: Want an Inigo mug? Go here or here.

About time, right? I know, I hate waiting, too.

 UPDATE: The initial run of these mugs has SOLD OUT. More are on the way, but I can no longer promise delivery before Christmas for any new orders. Sorry, guys – I would’ve ordered more in the first run if I had realized it was going to be this popular.

Order your Inigo Montoya mugs now!!!.*

*The next run of mugs will be delivered to me on the 26th and will be shipped as quickly as the holidays allow.

Also, US only, folks. Sorry.

http://www.mnwnw.com

Damn It, Santa, Wait Your Turn

Maybe one more...I can still see a little bit of the house...

Hmmm…maybe one more?  I can still see the house….

Dear Santa,

This year, I noticed many retailers decorating for Christmas before Halloween had even gone by.

On Halloween Day (yes, in my world, it is a Day, not a day), I went to the grocery store to get some candy. Except all of the giant pallets of Halloween candy that had been there since before school started had been replaced by displays of Christmas decorations and wrapping paper and paper plates with you and Frosty cavorting merrily with reindeer.

In a craft store yesterday, it looked like you and your elves vomited all over the first 6 or 7 or 10 aisles of the store. When I inquired about Thanksgiving decorations, I was directed to a tiny island of forlorn fall cheer, drifting aimlessly in a far-off corner.

Netflix is loaded for bear with specials about you and Rudolph.

Random annoying people on Facebook are bragging about having all their Christmas shopping done (I’ve gone shopping once and managed to buy myself two pairs of boots, a coat, two scarves, and a sweater, so I think I’ll do the rest on Amazon. It’s safer).

My kid has been through all 12,387 toy catalogs sent to our house and written a 3-foot long “letter” to you detailing all the cheap plastic crap she wants this year.

And there are radio stations playing Christmas music.

It’s only November 12th*

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ENOUGH.

You need to wait your turn.

What happened to Thanksgiving? What happened to FALL? It’s bad enough that the entire month of December is essentially a Santapalooza. But dammit, you can’t have November (and October!!) too. If this trend continues, we’re going to have retailers decorating and offering Christmas specials in August. And that will overlap badly with the Halloween candy extravaganza that already overlaps with back-to-school specials. Think of the children, Santa – they need their backpacks and colored folders and costumes and sugar-highs.

So for the sake of the children, Santa, and for those of us who want to go on a display-destroying Godzilla rampage when we are forced to listen to holiday music too early, please wait until November 28th before breaking out the tinsel and candy canes. It’ll be here before we know it.

*Ok, so I got distracted designing a naughty Christmas mug with a friend and didn’t post this when planned. I know, I’m the worst sort of hypocrite, but in my defense, have you spent a lot of time at the post office in December? It’s the real nightmare before Christmas.

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O, Great Pumpkin Beer, Where Are You?

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It’s no secret I like all things pumpkin. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin coffee, pumpkin soup, pumpkin bread – and, most especially, pumpkin beer. Pumpkin ale season is cause for unreasonable excitement on my part, and every year I try to get my greedy little hands on as many different varieties as I can. And then I drink them all. For you. And for science. The science of picking a good pumpkin beer, anyway.

These notes and opinions have been compiled over the course of the past…well, hell. Whenever it was I first saw a pumpkin ale available. Let’s say a month. And I managed to snag 15 different brands this year, so, it’s been a fun October. For the record, I also took photos of all the damn beers, but after the great Photo Dump of 2014, which took place last week when my iPad did a bunk and started acting like an assfaced vagina squirrel, I cannot locate any of them. So I retook what could from the stock in the fridge and used common use ones from the Internet for those I’m missing. Whatevs.

So let’s get to it!

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15. Ithaca Beer Co. Country Pumpkin Ale – FAIL. Thin and flat, and where’s the pumpkin? This is more of a ‘Harvest Ale’ than a pumpkin ale, and it’s not even good in that category. Boo. Next.

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14. Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ale – Pretty label, right?  Too bad that’s the best thing about it. I like Blue Moon’s summer seasonal collection, but this is disappointing.  It’s dull. There’s not enough pumpkin or spice, and a false-note lemony flavor than disrupts the whole thing. You can’t just throw a few pumpkins and a handful of cinnamon into a batch of regular Blue Moon and call it pumpkin ale, guys. Moving on.

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13. Magic Hat Wilhelm Scream Pumpkin Ale – I’m a fan of Magic Hat, but this is another disappointment. Someone needs to explain to these brewers the difference between a pumpkin ale and a harvest ale. Because they are not the same thing, and I can’t find the fucking pumpkin here. It’s like they threw some potpourri in the vat and called it a day. Blech.

12. Sam Adams Fat Jack Double Pumpkin – Sam’s idea and my idea of double-pumpkin clearly differ, but this was not bad. It’s slightly darker and heavier on the palate than I normally go for (being a wuss who chokes on IPA’s), but it has a fair pumpkin flavor and a nice dose of spiciness.  Maybe a little too much allspice.  But a fair showing from Sam Adams and a damn sight better than their Harvest Ale. That stuff is crap.

11. Tommyknocker Small Patch Pumpkin Harvest Ale – “A festive seasonal ale with pumpkin and a touch of molasses and spice”. It was more than a touch of molasses; otherwise, that’s right on.  But the heavy molasses note lent itself well to the pumpkin, and that’s what’s important here.

10. Elysian Night Owl Pumpkin Ale –This one was more about the spice, less about the pumpkin. But the ginger is a nice touch and it certainly wasn’t unpleasant. A pumpkin ale for people who don’t like pumpkin THAT much.

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9. Wolaver’s Organic Pumpkin Ale – Smooth, simple, fresh pumpkin and spice. The pumpkin is right out front, but the sweetness is well-balanced with the spice. I have already picked this one up again.

8. Long Trail Brewing Co. Pumpkin Ale – This was nice despite the boring label, with a decent-sized pumpkin flavor and a forward but not overwhelming mix of nutmeg, clove, and cinnamon. An easy drinker. (Ha, yeah I am. Wait, what?)

7. Southern Tier Brewing Company, Imperial Pumking Ale – This was my favorite last year, when I hadn’t tried nearly as many.  It smells like fresh baked pumpkin pie.  It’s got lots of body without being overwhelming.  It’s spicy with a very pumpkin-y finish.  It’s crisp and fresh and I didn’t immediately get sick of it like some fruity craft beers. But it’s going to be too sweet for most people.  You really, really have to like pumpkin for this one.

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6. Dogfish Head Punkin Ale – Medium pumpkin, a fairly high amount of spice but not overpowering. Very drinkable and one of the few I drank multiples of in one ‘sitting’ (I don’t really sit much. I’m short enough, I can’t reach anything as it is).

5. River Horse Hipp-o-lantern Imperial Pumpkin Ale – A good balance of pumpkin and spice, with a nice touch of molasses. Rich and heavier than my usual, but not too heavy. I’d like to try this again, but I picked it up in New Jersey and can’t find it here.  Boo, Pennsylvania, you always do that.

4. Elysian The Great Pumpkin Ale – Yes, Elysian has two pumpkin beers, bless them.  This one was spicy-to-sweet-and-creamy pumpkin goodness, without being over the top. A great choice for true pumpkin lovers.

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3. Fegley’s BrewWorks Devious Imperial Pumpkin – Devious is fitting for this ale. It’s dark, spicy and fascinating. A little dark for me, but I keep coming back to it every year.  Maybe it’s a Pennsylvania thing. We do SOME things right here.  And yeah, that’s what she said.

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2. Southampton Publick House Pumpkin Ale – Now we’re talking.  The Southampton is smooth. It’s rich. It’s loaded up with pumpkin. And the vanilla really brings it out and adds something extra at the same time. This is super-drinkable and I want more, dammit. Of course, it was already sold out in my area a week after it hit shelves – and if that isn’t a sign of a good craft beer, I don’t know what is.

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1. Lancaster Brewing Company Baked Pumpkin Ale – Speaking of Pennsylvania doing things right….Oh. Holy. Halloween. Goodness. In my admittedly humble opinion, this is what a pumpkin ale should be. The pumpkin is right up there, not hiding in the background. There’s the sweetness you associate with the pumpkin, perfectly balanced with cinnamon, nutmeg and clove, and a bit of….vanilla?  It would make sense, as it worked in the Southhampton. This beer is like having your pie and drinking it too (and that is what HE said) while still drinking a beer. It’s my very favoritest ever.  And if you find it anywhere, I’ll pay double the market price….just let me know…