The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch



Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy…First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt not thou count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then prooceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.


We are but eight score young blonds, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half.


I’m invincible!


If you were at a clambake, why are you still hungry…oh.


Who you calling easy?


Justifiable homicide.


Fly-swatter swag.




There’s a bee in my pocket. Yeah, that’s it.


It’s like 25 year old gym shorts mixed with sweaty monkey balls, with just a hint of swamp gas.


Don’t hold back – tell us how you really feel.


Everyone noticed, Susan – we were just laughing too hard to say anything.

Welcome to Bitch Club

What happens when you give me a bunch of vintage patterns and some photo-captioning software?

Chaos, shenanigans, and a lot of snark.

bitch club

There’s only one rule in Bitch Club.

What happens when Kate forget her meds...

What happens when Kate forget her meds…


One of those ‘sucks to be right’ situations.


Perhaps a close friend?




It’s a valid question.


Must have been the carnitas.


Dinner is poured, honey.


C’mon, Jeanie, three wishes.



Sure, if ‘the heat’ is a new brand of vodka.


Now stop pulling them out and asking strangers their opinion.


It was a frat party, what do you want from me?


You don’t want to be a whore, now do you, Mary?


Call in the operatives in the white coats.


Resistance is futile.





It was a good day.


Sleep it off, girl.

This Is Why I Never Write Anything Anymore

(Want an Inigo mug? Go here or here.

It’s been a while since I wrote anything of substance (the Elf Mafia definitely does not count as “substance”, though they do a lot of those when they get the chance). This mug is the reason why.

inigo mug

I am one popular sonofabitch.

Which (finally, after much bitching and procrastination) led to the creation of an actual, honest-to-cheezus online store. Where you can, like, see all the different designs and prices and stuff, all in one place. Neat, right? Here, look: Well, a bunch of you seemed to think so, anyway. Enough that there was another popular mug. image003-2 And another. lying official mug And…you guessed it….another. Official Green Serenity Tumbler And one more, just because all this wasn’t quite crazy enough. inigo travel And then, just to make things super-fun and interesting, the Lying and Bitch mugs (you read that as Lying Bitch, didn’t you? Fun, right? So are the Purchase Orders, trust me) were mistakenly printed on only one side, resulting in a reprint and a fire sale of the perfectly good but single-sided mugs. (There’s still some left if you’re interested – click the links below). Lying Mug link Bitch Mug link So it’s a bit of a Mug-afuckin-palooza up in here right now. Maybe I’ll get the chance to write something non-mug related next year.

A Very Merry Christmas Eve Elf Mafia Wrap-Up

Oh, fuck, look who it is.

Oh, fuck, look who it is.

Welcome to the Very Merry Christmas Eve Elf Mafia Wrap-Up! The little bastards have been busy again this year, so we’ll get right to it!


No, you may not play “sleeping with the fishes” with the Elf.



I’m betting that’s not confectioner’s sugar.




At least it was the cheap stuff.



That’s not for you. That’s for the real elves shipping mugs downstairs.



They really take their liquor seriously. This is what happens when someone doesn’t share.



The cat is off-limits, guys.



‘I’m your number one fan. There’s nothing to worry about. You’re going to be just fine. I will take good care of you. I’m your number one fan.’ (Misery)



‘And there’s cotton candy and rides, and all sorts of surprises down here. And balloons, too. All colors.’

‘Do they float?’

‘Oh yes. They float, Georgie. They float. And when you’re down here with me, you’ll…float….too!’ (It)



‘Come to me! Come to me, children! See how we all float down here! How we all float!’ (It)



image image image

Someone has been watching too much Breaking Bad.  Just be sure to stay clear of Tuco, boys.





That’s not how you make a slushie, you little a-holes.



Someone trying to add cheer to my morning (it worked).




‘Gage? Come on out….I brought you something…..’ (Pet Semetery)





‘Do you wanna hide a body? C’mon, let’s go and play…’





‘No, don’t. No, don’t! NO, DON’T!!!’ (Firestarter)






Um, that gives a new definition to ‘riding the cotton pony’. And, you, dude, are you making it rain with the wrappers? Holy happy clapping Jesus, you are weird.




Charming sentiment for Christmas Eve morning, gentlemen. Now give me the paint pens.




And I thought “feeding someone to the sharks” was just a metaphor.



I knew you had questionable morals, not to mention taste, Ariel. But Snow White? I’m surprised at you. Although, it makes sense once you think about it.





Don’t mess with Rhaegal, I said. It will end badly for you, I said. Do they listen? Of course not.





The most disturbing Love Boat homage in history.




“It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”



“Put the dog in the fucking basket! Precious!!!!!”





They really just don’t like snowmen.


Terrible. Just terrible.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Get Your Mug On


UPDATE: Want an Inigo mug? Go here or here.

About time, right? I know, I hate waiting, too.

 UPDATE: The initial run of these mugs has SOLD OUT. More are on the way, but I can no longer promise delivery before Christmas for any new orders. Sorry, guys – I would’ve ordered more in the first run if I had realized it was going to be this popular.

Order your Inigo Montoya mugs now!!!.*

*The next run of mugs will be delivered to me on the 26th and will be shipped as quickly as the holidays allow.

Also, US only, folks. Sorry.

Damn It, Santa, Wait Your Turn

Maybe one more...I can still see a little bit of the house...

Hmmm…maybe one more?  I can still see the house….

Dear Santa,

This year, I noticed many retailers decorating for Christmas before Halloween had even gone by.

On Halloween Day (yes, in my world, it is a Day, not a day), I went to the grocery store to get some candy. Except all of the giant pallets of Halloween candy that had been there since before school started had been replaced by displays of Christmas decorations and wrapping paper and paper plates with you and Frosty cavorting merrily with reindeer.

In a craft store yesterday, it looked like you and your elves vomited all over the first 6 or 7 or 10 aisles of the store. When I inquired about Thanksgiving decorations, I was directed to a tiny island of forlorn fall cheer, drifting aimlessly in a far-off corner.

Netflix is loaded for bear with specials about you and Rudolph.

Random annoying people on Facebook are bragging about having all their Christmas shopping done (I’ve gone shopping once and managed to buy myself two pairs of boots, a coat, two scarves, and a sweater, so I think I’ll do the rest on Amazon. It’s safer).

My kid has been through all 12,387 toy catalogs sent to our house and written a 3-foot long “letter” to you detailing all the cheap plastic crap she wants this year.

And there are radio stations playing Christmas music.

It’s only November 12th*



You need to wait your turn.

What happened to Thanksgiving? What happened to FALL? It’s bad enough that the entire month of December is essentially a Santapalooza. But dammit, you can’t have November (and October!!) too. If this trend continues, we’re going to have retailers decorating and offering Christmas specials in August. And that will overlap badly with the Halloween candy extravaganza that already overlaps with back-to-school specials. Think of the children, Santa – they need their backpacks and colored folders and costumes and sugar-highs.

So for the sake of the children, Santa, and for those of us who want to go on a display-destroying Godzilla rampage when we are forced to listen to holiday music too early, please wait until November 28th before breaking out the tinsel and candy canes. It’ll be here before we know it.

*Ok, so I got distracted designing a naughty Christmas mug with a friend and didn’t post this when planned. I know, I’m the worst sort of hypocrite, but in my defense, have you spent a lot of time at the post office in December? It’s the real nightmare before Christmas.




O, Great Pumpkin Beer, Where Are You?

wicked pumpkin

It’s no secret I like all things pumpkin. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin coffee, pumpkin soup, pumpkin bread – and, most especially, pumpkin beer. Pumpkin ale season is cause for unreasonable excitement on my part, and every year I try to get my greedy little hands on as many different varieties as I can. And then I drink them all. For you. And for science. The science of picking a good pumpkin beer, anyway.

These notes and opinions have been compiled over the course of the past…well, hell. Whenever it was I first saw a pumpkin ale available. Let’s say a month. And I managed to snag 15 different brands this year, so, it’s been a fun October. For the record, I also took photos of all the damn beers, but after the great Photo Dump of 2014, which took place last week when my iPad did a bunk and started acting like an assfaced vagina squirrel, I cannot locate any of them. So I retook what could from the stock in the fridge and used common use ones from the Internet for those I’m missing. Whatevs.

So let’s get to it!


15. Ithaca Beer Co. Country Pumpkin Ale – FAIL. Thin and flat, and where’s the pumpkin? This is more of a ‘Harvest Ale’ than a pumpkin ale, and it’s not even good in that category. Boo. Next.

blue moon pumpkin

14. Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ale – Pretty label, right?  Too bad that’s the best thing about it. I like Blue Moon’s summer seasonal collection, but this is disappointing.  It’s dull. There’s not enough pumpkin or spice, and a false-note lemony flavor than disrupts the whole thing. You can’t just throw a few pumpkins and a handful of cinnamon into a batch of regular Blue Moon and call it pumpkin ale, guys. Moving on.


13. Magic Hat Wilhelm Scream Pumpkin Ale – I’m a fan of Magic Hat, but this is another disappointment. Someone needs to explain to these brewers the difference between a pumpkin ale and a harvest ale. Because they are not the same thing, and I can’t find the fucking pumpkin here. It’s like they threw some potpourri in the vat and called it a day. Blech.

12. Sam Adams Fat Jack Double Pumpkin – Sam’s idea and my idea of double-pumpkin clearly differ, but this was not bad. It’s slightly darker and heavier on the palate than I normally go for (being a wuss who chokes on IPA’s), but it has a fair pumpkin flavor and a nice dose of spiciness.  Maybe a little too much allspice.  But a fair showing from Sam Adams and a damn sight better than their Harvest Ale. That stuff is crap.

11. Tommyknocker Small Patch Pumpkin Harvest Ale – “A festive seasonal ale with pumpkin and a touch of molasses and spice”. It was more than a touch of molasses; otherwise, that’s right on.  But the heavy molasses note lent itself well to the pumpkin, and that’s what’s important here.

10. Elysian Night Owl Pumpkin Ale –This one was more about the spice, less about the pumpkin. But the ginger is a nice touch and it certainly wasn’t unpleasant. A pumpkin ale for people who don’t like pumpkin THAT much.


9. Wolaver’s Organic Pumpkin Ale – Smooth, simple, fresh pumpkin and spice. The pumpkin is right out front, but the sweetness is well-balanced with the spice. I have already picked this one up again.

8. Long Trail Brewing Co. Pumpkin Ale – This was nice despite the boring label, with a decent-sized pumpkin flavor and a forward but not overwhelming mix of nutmeg, clove, and cinnamon. An easy drinker. (Ha, yeah I am. Wait, what?)

7. Southern Tier Brewing Company, Imperial Pumking Ale – This was my favorite last year, when I hadn’t tried nearly as many.  It smells like fresh baked pumpkin pie.  It’s got lots of body without being overwhelming.  It’s spicy with a very pumpkin-y finish.  It’s crisp and fresh and I didn’t immediately get sick of it like some fruity craft beers. But it’s going to be too sweet for most people.  You really, really have to like pumpkin for this one.


6. Dogfish Head Punkin Ale – Medium pumpkin, a fairly high amount of spice but not overpowering. Very drinkable and one of the few I drank multiples of in one ‘sitting’ (I don’t really sit much. I’m short enough, I can’t reach anything as it is).

5. River Horse Hipp-o-lantern Imperial Pumpkin Ale – A good balance of pumpkin and spice, with a nice touch of molasses. Rich and heavier than my usual, but not too heavy. I’d like to try this again, but I picked it up in New Jersey and can’t find it here.  Boo, Pennsylvania, you always do that.

4. Elysian The Great Pumpkin Ale – Yes, Elysian has two pumpkin beers, bless them.  This one was spicy-to-sweet-and-creamy pumpkin goodness, without being over the top. A great choice for true pumpkin lovers.


3. Fegley’s BrewWorks Devious Imperial Pumpkin – Devious is fitting for this ale. It’s dark, spicy and fascinating. A little dark for me, but I keep coming back to it every year.  Maybe it’s a Pennsylvania thing. We do SOME things right here.  And yeah, that’s what she said.


2. Southampton Publick House Pumpkin Ale – Now we’re talking.  The Southampton is smooth. It’s rich. It’s loaded up with pumpkin. And the vanilla really brings it out and adds something extra at the same time. This is super-drinkable and I want more, dammit. Of course, it was already sold out in my area a week after it hit shelves – and if that isn’t a sign of a good craft beer, I don’t know what is.

lancaster pumpkin

1. Lancaster Brewing Company Baked Pumpkin Ale – Speaking of Pennsylvania doing things right….Oh. Holy. Halloween. Goodness. In my admittedly humble opinion, this is what a pumpkin ale should be. The pumpkin is right up there, not hiding in the background. There’s the sweetness you associate with the pumpkin, perfectly balanced with cinnamon, nutmeg and clove, and a bit of….vanilla?  It would make sense, as it worked in the Southhampton. This beer is like having your pie and drinking it too (and that is what HE said) while still drinking a beer. It’s my very favoritest ever.  And if you find it anywhere, I’ll pay double the market price….just let me know…

It’s A Witchy Halloween Giveaway 2014

Witchy Giveaway

Everybody knows I think Halloween is the best holiday.  Costumes, candy, booze, and no familial obligations to get in the way of the fun (unless you consider taking the kids trick or treating to be a familial obligation.  Which I do not, because a) costumes, b) candy, and c) booze).

And this Halloween is extra-awesome, because I’m teaming up with More Than Cheese and Beer and 7 other bloggy friends to offer you all the chance to win 10 different prizes!

First, the important stuff. Here are the goodies:

Muggle Mug

Number One: A “Muggle” coffee mug, from yours truly. Who doesn’t have days like this?

F It Mug

Number Two (hehehe, sorry, I’m twelve): A “Fuck It” mug, created by moi (remember? twelve?), given by Tracy on the Rocks

Prize 2

Number Three: “Misfit Academy”, a Young Adult novel by Lisa. R. Petty.

Black Cat Trivet

Number Four: A black cat trivet from Ponies and Martinis

Sparkly Poetic Weirdo Prize

Number Five: A Trick or Treat Surprise from Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

Number Six: Halloween/Fall inspired scented candles from Juicebox Confession

Number Seven: A Creepy Crawly Surprise from Climaxed the Blog

Number Eight: A Demonic Surprise from the team at DoucheArt

Number Nine: A $15 Dollar Gift Card to Shop Lancaster from Glitter & Bruises

Number Ten: And a Witchy Halloween Surprise from More Than Cheese and Beer

And here’s how to win:

Use the Rafflecopter link (below) to –

1. Like the Facebook pages of the bloggers (2 entries per)

2. Follow them on Twitter (2 entries per – 4 for FB if no Twitter)

3. Subscribe to the blogs via email or Bloglovin’ (4 more entries per blog!)

Winners will be selected and announced on October 20th on More Than Cheese and Beer’s Facebook page.

Giveaway is limited to the U.S. (sorry!)

Prizes will be shipped before or by Halloween (I personally have the mugs ready to ship the second MTCaB says “boo”).  Winners will have until noon CST on October 22nd to respond to MTCaB’s email, and she will forward their information to the person offering each prize. If a winner does not respond, it is the blogger’s decision what to do with the unclaimed prize. Participants are not eligible to win their own prizes.

Go get your entries here (because is a fucking twatwaffle and won’t support the code):
a Rafflecopter giveaway

And may the odds be ever in your favor!

Something’s Gotta Give

Well, no, it hasn't worked yet. Ok, ever. But maybe if I just...keep...pushing...oh, feck it.

Well, no, it hasn’t worked yet. Ok, ever. But maybe if I just…keep…pushing…oh, feck it.

I’m going to go ahead and acknowledge something that has been weighing heavily on me.

Lately, writing for this blog has not been quite as much fun as it was in the beginning.

I don’t mean that I don’t enjoy it anymore, or that I’m going to stop writing, and I certainly don’t mean that YOU guys aren’t fun – you’re fucking awesome.  But the words are no longer flowing as easily as they did at first.  It feels like a job now – and a job I’m sucking at, to boot (and I HATE sucking at things.  Well, ok, that’s not entirely…what I mean to say is…right.  Anyway…..).  I tried easing the pressure by cutting back from my original twice-a-week posting schedule.  But every week that self-imposed post deadline plays whack-a-mole on my head.  I get stressed out and berate myself when the post I’m working on isn’t ready in time for that imaginary deadline, or, even worse, I don’t have anything prepared at all. And the more pressure I feel, the harder it gets to write anything that doesn’t suck. And we’ve been over how I feel about the sucking (ahem).

This is my brain on self-inflicted, unrealistic, unattainable expectations.

This is my brain on self-inflicted, unrealistic, unattainable expectations.

Not for the first time in my life (hello, this mom’s fuel is coffee, wine and anti-anxiety meds), it has occurred to me that all this pressure is coming from inside me and nowhere else. Nobody else is giving me shit about how much I write or don’t write.  Nobody else is bitching that I’m spending all my time painting saucy words on teacups and coffee mugs (the activity where I currently feel the most in-the-zone, and, incidentally, also the shit I actually get paid to do) and not enough time blogging.  It’s up to me to either keep tilting at windmills like this, or give myself a fucking break already.

SO, I’m taking a hiatus from weekly posting. Instead, I’m only going to post when I have something I’m ready to say or share.  If it takes me three weeks, or 6, or 10, to finish a piece to my liking, then so be it.  Hopefully this will ease the writer’s-block, and lead to a higher quality blog for your perusal (or at least, higher-quality innuendos about sucking).

See you when I see you.


The One Where I Pimp My Friends’ Book

A few weeks ago, a fellow blogger asked if I would be willing to participate in the promotion of an upcoming anthology of ‘completely absurd lovers’ squabbles and relationship spats’ aptly named ‘Clash of the Couples’. Given that I have fought with the DH over such ridiculous things as the proper place to put used coffee cups (hint: it is not the driveway), the correct disposal of dental floss (it’s called a trash can, goddammit), and the right way to load toilet paper onto the holder, of course I said yes.  And then I forgot all about it, because in addition to being Head Bitch in Charge of TP roll-loading and Official Collector of the Coffee Cups, I am also an overscheduled space cadet.

Hopefully someone will remind me to buy a copy when it comes out on November 3.

Clash of the Couples – Cover Reveal and Author List


Coupledom. Fact or fable, Adam and Eve birthed the perpetual relationship drama as seen on TV today. Despite the serpents, this couple HAD IT MADE. Luxury real estate, lush gardens, and privacy out the yin-yang. Life was glorious until the bare-bottomed babe could no longer resist temptation. Despite her better half’s warnings and threats to sleep in a tree, she tasted the forbidden fruit. One bite of that seductive, juicy contraband and the stage was set for eternity— a nibble that has blossomed into an endless supply of tiny tidbits that divide lovers to this day!

Taking a cue from the naked explorers of authentic sin, Clash of the Couples is a new anthology featuring a collection of completely absurd lovers’ squabbles and relationship spats. Think couples fight over kids, sex, and money? Think again! Furniture, the last beer, and where to store the placenta are what genuinely ignite our feuds. And no argument is off limits. This book has it all!

Inside you’ll find a gut-busting compilation of stories such as: “I Can’t Believe You Ate My Sandwich,” “Never Assume Anything,” “Only I Can Talk About Me,” and “You Want Some College Boobs?” from forty-three fearless writers. Prepare to laugh, roll your eyes, and shiver in suspense. While Eve may have had the first bite, we ate the whole tree. And made pies.

Published by Blue Lobster Book Co., Clash of the Couples launches loudly and obnoxiously on November 3, 2014. You’ll hear us coming, but look for it on Amazon, B&N, Apple, and other places where you typically buy books. For instant updates, follow along on Facebook!

The lineup includes:

Andrew S. Delfino of Almost Coherent Parent

Crystal Ponti of MommiFried

Camille DeFer Thompson of Camille DeFer Thompson

Kimberly Morand of Anchor Magazine: Navigating Depression, Bipolar, and Anxiety

Meredith Napolitano of From Meredith to Mommy

Chris Dean of pixie.c.d.

Linda Roy of elleroy was here

Kevin Zelenka of Double Trouble Daddy

Sarah Cottrell of Housewife Plus

R.C. Liley of Going Dad

Mary Widdicks of Outmanned

Marie Bollman of Make Your Own Damn Dinner

Ginny Marie of Lemon Drop Pie

Mike Reynolds of Puzzling Posts

Leigh-Mary Hoffmann of Happily Ever Laughter Blog

Lisa Petty of Lisa R. Petty

Lynn Shattuck of The Light Will Find You

Jeff Bogle of Out With The Kids

Stacey Gustafson of Are You Kidding Me?

Angela Godbout of FRaPS

Courtney Conover of The Brown Girl with Long Hair

Jenny Hills of Express Bus Mama

Marcia Kester Doyle of Menopausal Mother

Julia Arnold of Frantic Mama

Jessica Azar of Herd Management

Susan A. Black of I Like That

Dave Lesser of Amateur Idiot Professional Dad

Sarah del Rio of est. 1975

  1. Nicole R. Wildhood of Naught Be All Else

Angela Keck of Writer Mom’s Blog

Alexa Bigwarfe of No Holding Back

Brian Sorrell of Dadding Full Time

Kathryn Leehane of Foxy Wine Pocket

April Grant of 100lb Countdown

Bev Feldman of Linkouture

Jodi Flaherty of The Noise of Boys           

Scott Rigdon of Three Five Zero

Lydia Richmond of Cluttered Genius

Allie Burdick of VITA – Train for Life

Michelle Grewe of Crumpets and Bollocks

Barb Godshalk of Co-Author of Tall Tales and Short Stories from South Jersey

Jonathon Floyd of One Funny Daddy

Amanda Mushro of Questionable Choices in Parenting

Chris Carter of The Mom Cafe